One in two. The statistics claim that roughly fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. If you’re considering marriage, that’s sobering. If you’re already married that’s really sobering.

Enter Shaunti Feldhahn’s book, Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages. Shaunti shares twelve “secrets” that she discovered while studying the “bright spots in exceptionally happy marriages.”

Who doesn’t want that?

Doc and I have been married for over thirty years. I’m crazy about my guy and I can’t imagine life without him. But that doesn’t mean marriage isn’t hard. We all know, a good marriage requires hard work. I’m convinced that Feldhahn’s secrets are good for any marriage in any stage— the newbies, the tweener’s and the veterans.

I’ll share some of Shaunti’s findings today. Next week I’ll share a few more along with a link to a recently released resource my hubby and I discovered this past Fall. You’ll love it…I promise. But first…Shaunti!

Marriage Surprise #1

A highly happy couple knows “little is big”. In other words, the small stuff matters. According to Feldhahn, “ a handful of simple day-to-day actions increase the likelihood that our spouse feels that we care deeply about them, instead of feeling that we don’t care.”

Does it bless your spouse to have the mail brought in and on the counter when he gets home? Does he love a five-minute backrub while watching the game? How about a cup of coffee in a to-go cup waiting by the door as he leaves for work?

Research says…the little things make a difference.

Marriage Surprise #2

Highly happy couples believe the best. Feldhahn’s surveys (conducted over a ten-year time frame) revealed that “nearly every wife or husband who thinks ‘my spouse doesn’t care’ is flat wrong. Their unhappiness is caused by a belief that isn’t true.”

She shares stories of couples who have learned to assume the best about one another as well as their spouse’s feelings towards them.

Research says…believe the best.

Marriage Surprise #3

This finding is probably one of my favorites.  Highly happily married couples don’t always settle their disagreements before bed. Feldhahn states, “Happy couples discovered the difference between resolving their anger and resolving the issue.” In other words, the “thing” that caused the disagreement in the first place may or may not be settled by the time the sun sets.  What’s important is the attitude the couple has towards one another as the issue is being worked through.

Research says…you can go to bed “mad”. 

Marriage Surprise #4

This gem was especially encouraging to me. Feldhahn discovered that highly happily married couples learned to act as if they loved each other even if they didn’t feel like it. The surveys showed that couples who changed what they did could change how they felt.

Happy couples treated each other with love and respect even when they didn’t always feel like it. They reported that it wouldn’t take long until they felt love and respect toward their spouse again; not an impossible task to do (especially if you believe the best of them)!

Research says…to boss your feelings around. 

Next Thursday I’ll share four more of my favorite findings as well as the practical tool Doc and I use regularly to fuel our marriage and keep our lines of communication open. In the meantime, let’s challenge one another to apply these healthy principles to our own marriages.

I’ll go first. This week is crazy for me but I’m reminded that I don’t want to overlook the little things that let my guy know he is my priority.

I’d love to hear in what way you are feeling challenged OR what you have found is a “secret” to happiness in your own marriage!

Savoring the journey with you,

Cindy